Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
Getting a Drawer
Posted on: June 8, 2014
- In: Other
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It’s always a great feeling being a in a relationship, most can relate. Of course, what’s even better than being in said relationship, is seeing this person on the regular basis, which includes conjugal visits at that person’s house. Now, if you are repeat visitor to this household, you may leave some items there, or may require more items for next times stay. This is when they may or may not offer a ‘drawer’. This is a huge sign, like a big ass flag to the face! If you get the offer of ‘drawer’ or ‘sink’ space, you’ve made it. If there are any doubts in your mind that this person may ‘like’ you, or may just be using you for a booty call, throw all that out the window, because you my friend have yourself a significant other!
Now, the offer of this magnificent piece of property can come in all shapes and forms. It can be and actual movement of undies and socks into an actual drawer, or an offer of like “oh yeah, just bring your stuff here”. Those are some magical words, and to a woman, this can mean danger. There are three types of woman in this world, and depending on which level they are on is directly related to the amount of alarm they will experience.
1) The simple woman, simple shower, air dry of hair, and no makeup. They are good to go, and just seem to reek of not having fucks to give. Usual contents of drawer include:
- Brush/comb
- Undies (mostly the cutest thing they own)
- Bra
- Useless things, like bobby pins or a hat
2) The woman who brings eyeliner, and probably some shower supplies, and does dry her hair, but it just falls perfectly into place with minimal trouble. She gives some fucks, but not her whole set of fucks. Usual contents of drawer include:
- Brush/comb, round brush
- Undies
- Bra, probably 2
- Make up set at its lightest form : eyeliner, mascara, foundation, and powder
- Maybe some hair spray, and that’s about it
3) This woman brings the whole 9 yards. If you have this woman in your life, you might as well give her a fucking closet, because she is practically bringing Wal-mart with her! Her long list of usual drawer contents include:
- 2-3 brushes
- A whole pack of new underwear
- 3 bra’s
- Make-up….in it’s own shopping bag…..like 30 things of make-up
- Probably like 3 pairs of pants, and 15 shirts
- She might even buy hangers to hang up her clothes
- Hair products, mousse, hair spray
- A HAIR DRYER
- Possibly her random electronical devices to steal one’s wifi
- May even buy a house towel, and pouf
- And, uncommonly, may rebuy all the stuff they have at their own house so they have replacements at yours because she is too lazy to tote her own crap from house to house.
Now, on the stage of alarm goes in increasing order, girl one is at stage one, and girl three is at defcon 5. The reason for stages of alarm is because you never know what to bring, and what will be too much. You’re given this space, but you don’t want to abuse it, nor do you want to seem like you’re making his/her house yours. Most likely this can be solved with a simple conversation, but if you’re like most women you’ll try and figure it out quietly.
The trick to get things in go two ways 1) bring the stuff in slowly, that is if you’re girl one or two this can be easily done in one or two trips, 2) just warn the person with a simple line like “Look bro/girl, I’m a self absorbed mother fucker, so I need to borrow your closet.” This can go in either a good or bad direction, but if it’s bad, then it wasn’t meant to be. Mostly girls one and two go with the sneak option, but girls like me that are number three’s…just make it clear about our needs.
In summation, if you get a drawer, or in my case, a closet and a vanity. Just know this person really likes you, and is wanting you to spend time there. So don’t abuse it by over cluttering, or being messy. Because, now that I have all replacement stuff for everything at my house, I’d rather not have to bring it back any time soon. Later readers, I’m going to organize my new found piece of property.
The Break-down of a Break-up
Posted on: June 2, 2014
- In: Other
- 2 Comments
After recently going through one of these inevitable life experiences, I’ve had time to reflect. Everyone goes through one of these, some harder than others, but the valuable lesson you learn through all of that bullshit….is you build a bridge and get the fuck over it. Now, the path in which you go to find solace in your pain is totally unpredictable, but there is a general itinerary you can bet your ass you will loosely follow. Now, which one you will use as a guide to sanity depends on 1 thing, are you the dumper…or the dumpee? You can guess which one will be longer, a shitload more pages, and more in-depth. As the dumper, you’ve already suffered in silence (sometimes) about your objections to the relationship. You’ve went through the questions, and racked your brain on all other ways to go about fixing the issues, and obviously the answer you’ve come up on is….**drum roll** utter destruction of the blessed promise for a future (or an already licensed) union. So, that cuts out on a lot of branches to this itinerary. So, here goes the stages, and sometimes awkward parts to a break up.
You have, Le’ Dumper
- Says, the line. The awful line that has the tone, the devilish tone of “We need to talk” or “I’m just not feeling like we’re getting along” This tone sounds the same with everyone, but the words are always different depending on the depth and closeness of the two people. I would think that if you break up wtih someone over means of media (facebook, text, or I even seen snapchat) then, that relationship was probably garbage. Either way, when this conversation is over, there is someone who feels a load is off of them, and the other feels like the have just swallowed a big ol’ pile of manure.
- Immediately after said conversation, Le’ Dumper will pull out that smart phone and be like “Yo dawg, lets chill because I’m frizzy free.” You may not want to believe it, but it happens. That person just kicked their “companion” *(Doctor Who reference) to the curb, so do you think they really want time to themselves? No, that excuse is total crap, so bet your ass they will be out that night, or the next.
- So, we fast forward into Le’ Dumpers life, about 2 weeks. These two weeks have probably been jam packed full of fun, no sleep, and most likey sex with whomever. Don’t kid yourself dumpee…..it’s going down!* Some Dumpers take longer to get to step 4 than others but alls the same and step 4 will be reached.
- Now step 4 is tricky, because this where branches can come in, they can go to the, “Oh I really like this guy/girl” and boyfriend or girlfriend them. Or, step 4 can go “I really miss you <insert name>” and start sending messages like “Hey, we need to talk”. Or little smiley faces. Step 5 is only reached if they take the first branch.
- They boyfriend/girlfriend another poor soul, which turns into a booty call (mostly dudes). I’ve found that girls that are the dumper, are usually the ones who find that guy who fits the bill. They know what they want, which isn’t what they’ve been through, so a better outcome the 2nd time. But it definitely just depends on the personality of the person.
- Then step six can be a forever relationship, or revert to step one, and start all over again. At this step, Le’ Dumper is usually nonchalant about previous relationship.
Now I could go out to sub tangents but, that would be so incredibly boring. So let’s move on to the dumpee perspective.
Le’ Dumpee
- Receive the call, text, or facebook ping of rejection. Wonder what went wrong, and question everything. Try and make compromises to be better, and it becomes rather pathetic. Nobody wants to hear someone cry for them when they are like
“Nah bro”. So it’s very awkward, and weird. You just kind of want to be like *awkward pat* and say “Cheer up, pal?”. - After bawling your eyes out, eating tubs of ice cream, or posting facebook status’s like “#foreveralone, I don’t know what I did” and all your friends are like, oh crap. You lose sense of reality for a good two days. Then during this time, all the guys/girls who liked you are usually the ones to be all like “Hey, here’s my dick your can cry on, with your mouth hole” or “Here’s a towel vagina to wipe your tears with” After they go away, you have the actual true friends that are threatening the life of said Le’ Dumper.
- Some ladies collect a lot of cats at this point. and dudes usually make a lot of collect booty calls*. Nonetheless, the coping process is this step, and how you deal with this how ever your little heart desires.
- Step four is important, this is when revenge is possibility if Le’ Dumper is seen in public, or just straight trash talk. But also, this is the same step in which Le’ Dumper is all like “Miss you, so how about we fix this” THIS IS WHEN YOU SAY FUCK THAT SHIT!!! I mean really, just tattoo that shit on your forehead, or write it everywhere so you remember what this blog told you. Dating and ex is like being in your car with no gas. The atmosphere is nice, and familiar, but that shit’s going nowhere.
- Now, I absolutely love step 5 for the Le’ Dumpee, this is where the sun starts to shine on their face, and they can again feel the rays of awesomeness. This is where they meet, that person. That person who pulls them from the Dark Side and turns them back to the Jedi side. This is where they meet the Obi Wan of the love circle. Usually this lovely person, has been around for awhile, as a relationship consultant. More than likely the closest friend in the dreaded “Friend-Zone” while said Le’ Dumpee was in relationship with the dick/bitch face ex. They truly care for the Dumpee, and it’s a beautiful thing to see when this blossoms. Most people have to go through these steps a few times to actually me the Obi Wan, but it happens. Just like Luke had to go to Yoda to learn how to be a Jedi, he went through tons of shit, and Obi Wan didn’t come to him all of sudden either. Some of us just get into light speed quicker than others.*
- Then this step is awesome for Le’ Dumpee, because they are totally happy, they don’t even remember, nor care about the original Dumper, they are in complete bliss with Obi Wan, and he/she is a happy little padawan!This has been fun, most people are different, but in my brain, break-ups are filled with lots of Star Wars puns, and Doctor Who references. How Fantastic 🙂 but I will leave you with this
*=pun I actually laughed out loud at
An Open Letter to Life 