An Open Letter to Life

Posts Tagged ‘out

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At 4 days of working out I feel so good. I get up ready to go to the gym and do my workout. At my gym they have little ads on the tvs and they are very inspirational to me. They keep pushing me, those tiny little words help alot

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Muscles burning+heart pounding=body changing

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It’s crazy how those help me, but they do. I feel like I’m accomplishing something, that and when I don’t leave covered in sweat, I feel like I didn’t do a good enough job. I use to come to this gym and lift a few weights and half ass it, but now I have something to prove. I feel like I’ve made my weight loss a “public” thing and I can’t let anyone down. Even if I don’t have anyone reading this and wanting me succeed, I have to do it for myself. Later readers, will be at it again tomorrow 🙂

It has been really fun actually, I took a long look at myself in the mirror and really looked. I saw where years of not taking care of myself have taken a hold on my body. It wasn’t fun to sit there and admit that to myself. But it was something that needed to be done for my sake. I scrolled through pictures to find a time where I was happy with my body, and I found one.

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Don’t mind the hair….it was a phase. I can actually say that I was truly happy with the way my body looked then. I was a size 14-16, roughly 160? I didn’t mind being a little heavier then. Because I had curves. Now, I look at my, now 286 l lb (I’ve already lost 4 pounds) body, I just want to kick myself in the ass.

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This is going to be tough, but I’ve left the gym covered in sweat for 3 days now. I’m sore, but it’s worth it 🙂 thanks for supporting me whoever is reading this

You know how they say when you are anorexic that you look at your body and see it as a big huge blimp. Well, I think there is such thing as the opposite of that. Fatorexia. I’ve seen this word 2 times on the world wide web. I believe it’s true, I mean today was my Ah-Ha moment. Ever girl has a weight number in their head that if they ever saw that on a scale and they didn’t have a legitimate excuse as to why, fit would hit the shan. I have reached that number, exactly dead on it. That moment, all I could do is not cry in front of my friend. I feel as though I have let myself down, and I have let my future kids down. I mean who wants a mom who can’t run around with you and play with you. How could I have ever let it get this far, what’s wrong with me. Even now looking at that scale and looking at myself, I find I’m trying to pick out attractive things about my physical appearance to make myself feel better. Why? I need to feel guilty and ashamed, that might Kickstart my ass into getting a hold of this. Weight gain is easily preventable, it’s not like it’s a big secret what you need to do. I just want it to be known, that you can’t fix a problem if you don’t know when one is there, which is why some people can’t lose the weight, because they see themselves as thin(ish). I would like for everyone to follow me in my journey, a journey of change and to figure out how to deal with this. It’s hard, but maybe this little blog of mine can help someone.

I weighed in at 290 pounds today. That will never happen again. I should be at 150 pounds. I have disappointed myself, and it’s time to get my health back. Who’s with me!


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