An Open Letter to Life

Posts Tagged ‘fatorexia

Stepped on the scale today, 281…..finally. 9 pounds down, 131 more to go. It’s crazy to think that I carry the extra weight of another person with me, all the time. It even weirder to imagine how it’s everyday life for me. I guess it takes a few steps out of the box it look at it like that, but when you really think about it, why didn’t I realize it sooner, or why didn’t I change sooner. I guess things happen when they need to happen, but if I could have one more do-over things would be a lot different.

I’m going to assume after my dose tomorrow morning (3rd dose) that it will be in my system fully. You know that feeling of when you wake up early and get busy doing house work, and running errands that when your stomach starts hurting and yelling at you to feed him, that horrible hunger pang? I don’t! Food has always been a necessity to me, or felt like one. I know you need it to eat to survive, but you don’t need to eat 7 largely sized meals a day either, so this lack of food dependence is a crazy door to step through. On one hand I’m relieved, but on the other hand I forget that I need to eat, so planning family meals has become hard! I felt so bad today cause I had a lot of issues arise in one day (broken water main in front of my house caused my water to be off for 12 hours, had to take my dog to the vet and waited 3 hours to be seen.. ect), so my step-daugher ran all these errands with me. I totally forgot to feed her, and I’m usually really good about that but then again she is also 13, so it’s not that big of a deal. It’s all a bit of an adjustment,  and I’m trying to find my groove. 🙂

Alot has happened in a few days, which is why I haven’t been blogging like I would have liked too. Anywho, still going to gym and getting my sweat on. The problem is, I don’t know if anyone just loses energy while going to the gym. I was having to push myself to go, I had absolutely no energy, even taking vitamin b 12….even 2 didn’t help. So when I went to my Doctor for a yearly, mind you it was my first visit with him EVER, he basically laid out my health for me like I’ve never had done before. I’ve been to the Doctor alot, but I’ve never had a primary physician. When he was going through his regular medical jargon, he said “We need to talk about your weight. You are classified as obese, and it needs to be changed.” Now my weight gain was not from eating junk food or lack of exercising, it was due to a form of birth control that made me gain 110 pounds in 10 months. It has been a battle to get it off, and after I stopped that birth control I have stayed the same weight for 4 years. It has not moved one way or the other, so I know it’s not because of my eating habits. Anyway, he called me out on my crap, and I liked it. It was even more set in stone when he wrote it on my paperwork. Obese in big letters, He prescribed me Adipex. I stared at the bottle for 45 minutes this morning contemplating on if I should take it or not. I was scared, and I felt like I was “cheating” myself out of bragging rights when I finally get down to my orginal weight in high school. I mean, it’s a shock to hear that you are extremely obese, or borderline morbidly obese. I still don’t feel like I am, but my weight isn’t in one general area, it’s all over. Its also a wake up call when you go to jog/run in the gym, and you have to get an inhaler so you dont feel like your going to die. Being over weight I didn’t think it was such a bad thing because I didn’t have breathing issues like most big people. But, that was extremely embarrassing for me, especially in front of my step-daugher and friend. When you can’t sprint for 10 seconds on a treadmill, something has got to change. So I took a pill, because even if I feel like I’m cheating myself of bragging rights, it still doesn’t change the fact I work my ass off 6 days a week at the gym for 2 hours at a time. I deserve to see results, and I want results. I will do anything to reach my goal and KEEP MYSELF THERE! It’s not a phase for me, work out for a few weeks, then stop. I figured, I could give anyone insight who is wanting to try this pill. I pondered the idea before I went to the Doctor, but I didn’t think he would prescribe it, but I guess he saw that I needed help.

I took my pill at 6 am, because my boyfriend and I share a car at the moment. I took him to work, and came home. I was so tired I wanted to go back to sleep, and normally I sleep till its time for me to get ready for work (luckily Steve (the boyfriend) and I work at the same place, so it works out sharing a car). I have to be at work at 12:30, so I’d usually sleep till 10:30-11 and rush to get ready, because of lack of energy and being tired all the time. I slept till 8 and woke up with energy you wouldn’t believe. I couldn’t go to sleep, so I just laid in bed and listened to music thinking about curtains I was going to sew for my house! It feels so good to be up before 9, and having energy and not feeling like my head weighs 10 pounds. I felt a little twitchy while laying in bed, but I was over thinking the medication (I don’t like to take medication, because I start having panic attacks and freaking myself out lol). I’m totally wide awake. I just hope when this medication kicks in after about 4 days, and that I still have some of an appetite. I’m hungry now, but before I took the medication I was wayyyyyyyy hungry. So the hunger pang has actually lessened, which probably means I won’t over eat to fill that void.

As day 5 of exercising comes to a close, this is probably the first day I contemplated not going because I was tired. I went anyway of course because in order to obtain what I want I need to stay motivated. Now my supporting friends and family are all smaller than me, and it’s hard for me to believe that my goals are obtainable because I’ve never seen anyone my size lose alot of weight. So I searched the web, and searched to see if I could find someone who has my same body shape, and I was curious as to what their after pictures looked like. My goal is to comfortably, and “safely” wear a bikini. I know it will be a few summers from now, but it is something that I’ve never been able to do, nor have I been able to walk into any store and find lots of pants in my size. So I want to work for it, as hard as I can. While searching google images I found my motivation picture. This girl has inspired me, I don’t know who she is, or what she did to lose the weight that she has, but she is keeping me on it! I see her before picture,  and I see myself. I literally look like that naked….it’s the sad truth. But, her after picture makes me so excited for my future I can hardly stand it. Of course it’s not guaranteed that I will look as hot as she does, but I could come fairly close 🙂

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As day 5 of exercising comes to a close, this is probably the first day I contemplated not going because I was tired. I went anyway of course because in order to obtain what I want I need to stay motivated. Now my supporting friends and family are all smaller than me, and it’s hard for me to believe that my goals are obtainable because I’ve never seen anyone my size lose alot of weight. So I searched the web, and searched to see if I could find someone who has my same body shape, and I was curious as to what their after pictures looked like. My goal is to comfortably, and “safely” wear a bikini. I know it will be a few summers from now, but it is something that I’ve never been able to do, nor have I been able to walk into any store and find lots of pants in my size. So I want to work for it, as hard as I can. While searching google images I found my motivation picture. This girl has inspired me, I don’t know who she is, or what she did to lose the weight that she has, but she is keeping me on it! I see her before picture,  and I see myself. I literally look like that naked….it’s the sad truth. But, her after picture makes me so excited for my future I can hardly stand it. Of course it’s not guaranteed that I will look as hot as she does, but I could come fairly close 🙂

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I use to be one of those people who though fitness nuts, were well…nutty. I couldn’t grasp the greatness they saw in being healthy. Then again at that time, I knew I was overweight, but I just thought I was chubby. Now looking back, I was in fact obese. It’s a sad truth, but now I have come to be very humble and admit my wrong doings,  and wrong way of living. I am now proud to be a fitness nut like those people I thought were crazy, because in the end I will be a better, stronger, and healthier person. On a side note, I have lost 4 pounds…in 4 days 🙂 286, and only 131 more to go. One day at a time


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