An Open Letter to Life

Getting a Drawer

Posted on: June 8, 2014

It’s always a great feeling being a in a relationship, most can relate. Of course, what’s even better than being in said relationship, is seeing this person on the regular basis, which includes conjugal visits at that person’s house. Now, if you are repeat visitor to this household, you may leave some items there, or may require more items for next times stay. This is when they may or may not offer a ‘drawer’. This is a huge sign, like a big ass flag to the face! If you get the offer of ‘drawer’ or ‘sink’ space, you’ve made it. If there are any doubts in your mind that this person may ‘like’ you, or may just be using you for a booty call, throw all that out the window, because you my friend have yourself a significant other!

Now, the offer of this magnificent piece of property can come in all shapes and forms. It can be and actual movement of undies and socks into an actual drawer, or an offer of like “oh yeah, just bring your stuff here”. Those are some magical words, and to a woman, this can mean danger. There are three types of woman in this world, and depending on which level they are on is directly related to the amount of alarm they will experience. 

1) The simple woman, simple shower, air dry of hair, and no makeup. They are good to go, and just seem to reek of not having fucks to give. Usual contents of drawer include:

  • Brush/comb
  • Undies (mostly the cutest thing they own)
  • Bra
  • Useless things, like bobby pins or a hat

2) The woman who brings eyeliner, and probably some shower supplies, and does dry her hair, but it just falls perfectly into place with minimal trouble. She gives some fucks, but not her whole set of fucks. Usual contents of drawer include:

  • Brush/comb, round brush
  • Undies
  • Bra, probably 2
  • Make up set at its lightest form : eyeliner, mascara, foundation, and powder
  • Maybe some hair spray, and that’s about it

3) This woman brings the whole 9 yards. If you have this woman in your life, you might as well give her a fucking closet, because she is practically bringing Wal-mart with her! Her long list of usual drawer contents include:

  • 2-3 brushes
  • A whole pack of new underwear
  • 3 bra’s
  • Make-up….in it’s own shopping bag…..like 30 things of make-up
  • Probably like 3 pairs of pants, and 15 shirts
  • She might even buy hangers to hang up her clothes
  • Hair products, mousse, hair spray
  • A HAIR DRYER
  • Possibly her random electronical devices to steal one’s wifi
  • May even buy a house towel, and pouf 
  • And, uncommonly, may rebuy all the stuff they have at their own house so they have replacements at yours because she is too lazy to tote her own crap from house to house. 

Now, on the stage of alarm goes in increasing order, girl one is at stage one, and girl three is at defcon 5. The reason for stages of alarm is because you never know what to bring, and what will be too much. You’re given this space, but you don’t want to abuse it, nor do you want to seem like you’re making his/her house yours. Most likely this can be solved with a simple conversation, but if you’re like most women you’ll try and figure it out quietly.

The trick to get things in go two ways 1) bring the stuff in slowly, that is if you’re girl one or two this can be easily done in one or two trips, 2) just warn the person with a simple line like “Look bro/girl, I’m a self absorbed mother fucker, so I need to borrow your closet.” This can go in either a good or bad direction, but if it’s bad, then it wasn’t meant to be. Mostly girls one and two go with the sneak option, but girls like me that are number three’s…just make it clear about our needs. 

In summation, if you get a drawer, or in my case, a closet and a vanity. Just know this person really likes you, and is wanting you to spend time there. So don’t abuse it by over cluttering, or being messy. Because, now that I have all replacement stuff for everything at my house, I’d rather not have to bring it back any time soon. Later readers, I’m going to organize my new found piece of property.

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