An Open Letter to Life

The Break-down of a Break-up

Posted on: June 2, 2014


After recently going through one of these inevitable life experiences, I’ve had time to reflect. Everyone goes through one of these, some harder than others, but the valuable lesson you learn through all of that bullshit….is you build a bridge and get the fuck over it. Now, the path in which you go to find solace in your pain is totally unpredictable, but there is a general itinerary you can bet your ass you will loosely follow.  Now, which one you will use as a guide to sanity depends on 1 thing, are you the dumper…or the dumpee? You can guess which one will be longer, a shitload more pages, and more in-depth. As the dumper, you’ve already suffered in silence (sometimes) about your objections to the relationship. You’ve went through the questions, and racked your brain on all other ways to go about fixing the issues, and obviously the answer you’ve come up on is….**drum roll** utter destruction of the blessed promise for a future (or an already licensed) union. So, that cuts out on a lot of branches to this itinerary. So, here goes the stages, and sometimes awkward parts to a break up.

You have, Le’ Dumper

  1. Says, the line. The awful line that has the tone, the devilish tone of “We need to talk” or “I’m just not feeling like we’re getting along” This tone sounds the same with everyone, but the words are always different depending on the depth and closeness of the two people. I would think that if you break up wtih someone over means of media (facebook, text, or I even seen snapchat) then, that relationship was probably  garbage. Either way, when this conversation is over, there is someone who feels a load is off of them, and the other feels like the have  just swallowed a big ol’ pile of manure.
  2. Immediately after said conversation, Le’ Dumper will pull out that smart phone and be like “Yo dawg, lets chill because I’m frizzy free.” You may not want to believe it, but it happens. That person just kicked their “companion” *(Doctor Who reference) to the curb, so do you think they really want time to themselves? No, that excuse is total crap, so bet your ass they will be out that night, or the next.
  3. So, we fast forward into Le’ Dumpers life, about 2 weeks. These two weeks have probably been jam packed full of fun, no sleep, and most likey sex with whomever. Don’t kid yourself dumpee…’s going down!* Some Dumpers take longer to get to step 4 than others but alls the same and step 4 will be reached.
  4. Now step 4 is tricky, because this where branches can come in, they can go to the, “Oh I really like this guy/girl” and boyfriend or girlfriend them. Or, step 4 can go “I really miss you <insert name>” and start sending messages like “Hey, we need to talk”. Or little smiley faces. Step 5 is only reached if they  take the first branch.
  5. They boyfriend/girlfriend another poor soul, which turns into a booty call (mostly dudes). I’ve found that girls that are the dumper, are usually  the ones who find that guy who fits the bill. They know what they want, which isn’t what they’ve been through, so a better outcome the 2nd time.  But it definitely just depends on the personality of the person.
  6. Then step six can be a forever relationship, or revert to step one, and start all over again. At this step, Le’ Dumper is usually nonchalant about previous relationship.

Now I could go out to sub tangents but, that would be so incredibly boring. So let’s move on to the dumpee perspective.

Le’ Dumpee

  1. Receive the call, text, or facebook ping of rejection. Wonder what went wrong, and question everything. Try and make compromises to be better, and it becomes rather pathetic. Nobody wants to hear someone cry for them when they are like
    “Nah bro”. So it’s very awkward, and weird. You just  kind of want to be like *awkward pat* and say “Cheer up, pal?”.
  2. After bawling your eyes out, eating tubs of ice cream, or posting facebook status’s like “#foreveralone, I don’t know what I did” and all your friends  are like, oh crap. You lose sense of reality for a good two days. Then during this time, all the guys/girls who liked you are usually the ones to be all like “Hey, here’s my dick your can cry on, with your mouth hole” or “Here’s a towel vagina to wipe your tears with” After they go away, you have the actual true friends that are threatening the life of said Le’ Dumper.
  3. Some ladies collect a lot of cats at this point. and dudes usually make a lot of collect booty calls*. Nonetheless, the coping process is this step, and how you deal with this how ever your little heart desires.
  4. Step four is important, this is when revenge is possibility if  Le’ Dumper is seen in public, or just straight trash talk. But also, this is the same step in which Le’ Dumper is all like “Miss you, so how about we fix this” THIS IS WHEN YOU SAY FUCK THAT SHIT!!! I mean really, just tattoo that shit on your  forehead, or write it everywhere so you remember what this blog told you. Dating and ex is like being in your car with no gas. The atmosphere is nice, and familiar, but that shit’s going nowhere.
  5. Now, I absolutely love step 5 for the Le’ Dumpee, this is where the sun starts to shine on their face, and they can again feel the rays of awesomeness. This is where they meet, that person. That person who pulls them from the Dark Side and turns them back to the Jedi side. This is where they meet the Obi Wan of the love circle. Usually this lovely person, has been around for awhile, as a relationship consultant. More than likely the closest friend in the dreaded “Friend-Zone” while said Le’ Dumpee was in relationship with the dick/bitch face ex. They truly care for the Dumpee, and it’s a beautiful thing to see when this blossoms. Most people have to go through these steps a few times to actually me the Obi Wan, but it happens. Just like Luke had to go to Yoda to learn how to be a Jedi, he went through tons of shit, and Obi Wan didn’t come to him all of  sudden either. Some of us just get into light speed quicker than others.*
  6. Then this step is awesome for Le’ Dumpee, because they are totally happy, they don’t even remember, nor care about the original Dumper, they are in complete bliss with Obi Wan, and he/she is a happy little padawan!This has been fun, most people are different, but in my brain, break-ups are filled with lots of Star Wars puns, and Doctor Who references. How Fantastic 🙂 but I will leave you with this

    *=pun I actually laughed out loud at

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2 Responses to "The Break-down of a Break-up"

I love step three for the dumpees!

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